I’ve decided to do a follow-up post about my experiences with weed. I am doing this because, out of all the posts on this blog, I have gotten the most views and comments from this post alone by far! It seems the Marijuana community has caught sight of my post and found it interesting. Thank you all for reading and commenting! Some comments agree while others disagree about my words. I don’t mind either way. That was my interpretation of what happens to me as I can remember it. Everyone has their own experience and sometimes it’s completely different.
I am also writing this, because I have quit smoking Mary Jane and have set my sights far away from mind altering substances. And while I would like to try throwing some pot in my juicer to see how it tastes and what health benefits I’ll get, I am pretty much staying as far away from it as I can. Why don’t you smoke [any more]? is a question I’m asked all the time, and all the time I get the same response “WHAT?!?!” I don’t smoke weed anymore because I had a bad trip.
It was a good couple years back…
I went to a friends house to hang out and talk with my usual gathering of buddies. It seemed like I was over there just about every day. I didn’t always smoke when I went over there, just because I didn’t feel like getting high all the time. I was also reaching a point in my drug journey where I only liked the experience for the first couple hours, after which I wanted it to end and everything to return to normal. I liked being able to think clearly.
Tonight wasn’t a very abnormal night. It just happened to be one of those nights where we decided to get high and watch a movie. If I would have known what was going to happen next I would have never gotten high and probably had left immediately. I regret this night every time I think of it.
We passed around a bong and my host friend decided to turn on a movie they just rented… Saw VI… Now I am a fan of most movies. I like horror, action, comedy, romantic comedy, I’ll even watch the real romantic mushy stuff. Just about the only exception to the list is period pieces. I have nothing against horror flicks, except I think many of them have lost their original scary soul. However, that is a different topic. I sat down and watched the movie with everyone else.
I don’t really remember much of the movie details. Once you get my group high and in front of a TV we start making fun of what’s on the screen and conversing and laughing. After the initial high wore off and the giggling died down all eyes finally settled on the TV and we watched in silence.
I remember the scene when it happened pretty vividly. The main guy walked in a room and found all of his interns strapped to a revolving circle of chairs in a bulletproof glass chamber. (This part is hard to write) The main guy had to hit a button to choose which of the people he knew would live. the people who were chosen for death would be rotated to face a shotgun and… you can guess or have probably seen the rest.
My moment came after the final decision. He chose to save one person over another in a very dramatic moment. The person he sentenced to death began yelling and cursing and berating him for his choice as his chair slowly rotated towards the shotgun. In the last instance he shouted the words “NO! YOU LOOK ME IN THE FACE WHILE YOU KILL ME!!!” The main guy looked up. The man in the chair saw his eyes and looked down in horror as the chair came to a stop and… BLAM!
That was the moment in happened…
My mind locked on those moments and they began to play over and over in my head. I began to think about what the man in the chair had going through his mind in those last moments and even during. I began to imagine myself in his place. The adrenaline started to flow. Then I began thinking about all of the other death scenes in the movie that I had seen. I put myself in their place. It expanded from there. Every horror movie I had ever seen. Any movie or TV show depicting death or even harm. Adrenaline was pumping through my body at this point and I was no longer paying attention to the movie. Death flew through my mind without any sign of stopping leaving fear growing in his wake.
My mind tried to rationalize these feelings, but ultimately it only made things worse. I began to ask why I was freaking out. Why was I scared. Finally my brain came up with an answer:
“Someday you are going to die and there is nothing you can do to stop it. It will probably be terrifying and it will probably be painful and it could be as soon as any moment now.”
I had focused on my own mortality. Now, as you know, when you are high all the outer world drops away and your world gets smaller. One train of thought runs through your mind at any given time. Well, my world was extremely small and My own death was the only train I could think about. I would have given anything to think of something else.
My mind just took it from there and began to make up horrid possible ways that I could die and played them for me over and over. I was like that the rest of the night. I had to excuse myself from my friends house and leave. Eventually I ended up rocking myself to sleep in my bed at home.
After that night I suffered nightmares and a lingering fear of my immanent death. I have not been able to watch horror movies since. Only after many many many demands by my friends, I got high one last time, only to have the entire cycle start over again. Now I am afraid of taking any mind altering drug for fear that it might have the same effect.
It’s been a good couple years now and I have lost that lingering fear, though it doesn’t take much thought to surge my adrenal gland. I have faced my mortality in minor ways several times since that night and I think I’m going to be fine. However, now whenever I am asked if I want to smoke I politely decline and give an explanation if needed. I still have nothing against anyone who smokes. I just choose not to any more.