Harness My ADHD Mutant Powers

For a few weeks now, I have been seeing a therapist. I had to acknowledge that I am too unhappy and too stressed out to not ask for help. It was a decision I had been meaning to make for quite a while, but I was too distracted to make it worthwhile. I think I chose the perfect moment to help myself out, and even better, I also think I found the perfect Therapist.

d573c712af754b0808032c93b7924e87At first it seemed like all our time together was just going to be me venting my frustrations onto a stranger before saying “See you next week!” only to come back to do it all over again. Every session I felt like I had to convey the frustrations of the past week while at the same time trying to pass on the information of a lifetime of frustration that had been building up and building up. Our Sessions always seemed to end too early. I could have spent years constantly talking to him and trying to make him understand why I was there. After many extra long sessions of me pouring out all of my frustrations on to this poor guy (seriously, the life of a therapist must be hard), he finally stopped me to shine some light on the deep darkness of my mind.

A big part of my sessions were me talking about my ADHD-I. I have never been what I have come to understand is “properly diagnosed” but a psychiatrist did run me through a DSM5 questionnaire that said I was right on the border because I didn’t answer positive for any hyperactivity. He even prescribed me some medication that I still take because my other doctor and I decided that it was helping me. This plus me reading up on ADHD and watching countless videos online has lead me to believe that if I were “properly diagnosed” I would test positive for ADHD Inattentive type.

My Therapist heard all of this and came up with an idea. He listened to me for a while on our latest session but stopped me after a bit. His idea was simple and he conveyed it in a way that played on my natural geeky tendencies. He said that I was constantly focused on all of the problems that were plaguing me due to the way my brain works. He said that I know everything I need to know about my ADHD and how it can not only hurt me, but help me too. He said to try breaking free my focus on the negative and refocus it on the positive. What positive traits do ADHD individuals have and how can you harness them like a mutant power?

marvel_charactersOnce he started drawing similarities of my ADHD to that of the X-men, I realized that I was just like any new superhero coming to terms with his or her powers. In Spiderman, Peter Parker is bit by a radioactive spider and given spider powers. Now, unlike me, Peter knew exactly what his new abilities were and how he got them. He also saw the immediate benefits of them. This, for me, was a longer and more confusing journey. I didn’t know why I thought the way I did. It was a problem in middle school all the way up to the day when I discovered ADD, after that, it finally had a name and I was able to research and test myself to see if I fit that mould. Unfortunately, what I didn’t realize is that all Superheroes must come to terms with the negative aspects of their powers. For Peter, he learned that if he didn’t use his powers, his life and the lives of those around him would fall to tragedy. He also learned that telling anyone about his powers could put them in danger. Peter felt a great loss due to the death of his uncle and the alienation of friends and family.

This is a scene you see in every superhero movie. Hell, you see it in every movie where “The Hero’s Journey” takes place. In Spiderman, It’s the scene of Uncle Ben’s Funeral. In X-Men,  It’s the scene where Rogue’s boyfriend is having a seizure on her bed. The Avengers, Bruce Banner passionately talks about his attempted suicide. Lord of the Rings, Frodo sees the effect that the One Ring has on Bilbo. Harry Potter, always getting locked in his “room” for doing magic. Matrix, Neo faints when he realizes the truth of his existence and what his life will be from now on. Frozen, Elsa hurts her sister and locks herself away. Kung Fu Panda, He becomes the dragon warrior but is saddened to find that nobody likes or accepts him. Finding Nemo, Marlin is saddened to find that the only fish willing or able to help him has short term memory loss. I could go on and on.

The interesting thing about these scenes are what happens right after them. Someone who is a little more experienced in this “new world” the hero has stepped into, enters the scene to lend a helping hand. This help usually comes in the form of showing the hero the positives of their new abilities. This person refocuses their thoughts and says “hey, you’re still human so mistakes will happen, but look at the good you can and could do!” In Spiderman, Aunt May reminds Peter that his uncle knew he would grow up to do great things. X-men, Iceman reminds Rogue of the beauty their powers can bring. Avengers, Hulks power can be an immense force in battle when harnessed. Lord of the Rings, Sam constantly reminds Frodo what they are trying to save. Harry Potter, Hagrid brings Harry to a world where magic is accepted and taught to be controlled. Matrix, Neo learns the benefits of tapping into his brain like a computer. Frozen, Elsa is able to build amazingly beautiful structures in a matter of seconds. Kung Fu Panda, Master Shifu shows Po that his passion of food can be transferred to Kung Fu. And finally, in Finding Nemo, Dory shows Marlin that if you persevere through the bad and don’t let it scare you, the world will open up to amazing experiences and lessons.

icemanblowsMy therapist looked at me drowning in all the negativity that my ADHD has seemingly caused me and reminded me that, if properly channeled, my abilities could help me to do amazing things. He told me to focus on all the times where I was being a functional human being. Focus on all the times my thoughts were working exactly how I wanted them to. I need to analyze those moments and discover why I functioning so well. Think of all the times I was hyper-focusing and what caused it. Treat my ADHD as a super power. Learn the physics about my abilities. How do they work? What causes them? What stops them? How can I get the most benefits with the least drawbacks?

That is what this Blog entry is all about. I am taking the first steps towards honing my mutant powers. I am starting my training montage. Step 1: Hyper-focusing. This is a common ADHD trait and I aim to find out how it works. The following blog entry will be all about it.

PS: This song is relevant. Kirby Crackle – The Day My Powers Arrived (YouTube)

My Weight Loss Journey: Part 1 Why?

I have a confession to make… I’m a big fat guy!

Sure, I can point it out and laugh, just as anybody else could… and did, back in my school days! I can accept it as a part of who I am and just move on with my life. OR… and here is the awesome part… I could fight against it!

 Shadow of the Colossus by ChasingArtwork

Shadow of the Colossus by ChasingArtwork

When you think of the word “Epic”, many things might spring to mind. The thing that springs to mind for me is a single hero, with the support of many, going to war against an unimaginably huge army for a cause of saving everything! Or maybe that hero is facing an enemy so large that there is seemingly no way that he could possibly survive the encounter, much less win. I like to think of my weight loss journey the same way. After all of the times I have tried and failed at losing weight, that’s what this has become, an Epic battle against insurmountable odds that truly are stacked against me.

Yet, throughout all of my trials and tribulations, one question seems to keep popping up out of nowhere. Why? Why are you fighting this battle? Why do you keep moving forward? Why wont you just give up already? This question is a test. It’s the puzzled look on the bowman’s face after he has just shot an arrow into your shoulder and you continue to charge! It’s the look in the eyes of the Giant who has just finished trying to shake you off of him for the 8th time. It’s the astonished look on the enemy general’s face as you walk towards him unscathed passed a pile of his dead soldiers. It comes up at some of the worst times too! It shows up 3/4 through that run when your hitting your wall. It shows up just as the reps start to hurt. And it always shows up when you’re staring at that last big hill before the finish line. You see it hanging there… all goes quiet… and in your mind, the loudest whisper in existence… WHY?

Nerd Fitness Academy BannerMost recently this question popped up in a new program that I’m trying called Nerd Fitness Academy. In it, you take your desire for health and fitness and put it in the form of a Role Playing Game. You name your character, choose your class (warrior, Ranger, Assassin, Druid, etc) and it gives you quests to complete on that chosen path. You can stray from your path as much as you want, or stay firm on your chosen course. Regardless of the path, one of the First quests is titled “Find Your Big Why” This makes sense, because at times it’s the only deciding factor in your decision to keep going or sit on the couch and down a box of cookies.

a picture of me.

Told Ya!

Now, I could take the easy way out and just look at the top line of this blog. I’m a big fat guy! That’s a pretty good “Why” right??? No… that’s way too easy! We need to dig deeper! Why do any of us want to lose weight? I can name a few of those I relate to. To be healthy, to fit into better clothes, to look sexy for the ladies, to have more confidence at work, to have more energy, and to have the options to do more activities are all good reasons. I think this is close, but I feel like we need to go at least One more layer down to really get to the heart of it.

If you are going to find your why, you have to be completely and brutally honest with yourself. This is YOURSELF you are talking to. Don’t beat around it. Just say it and get it off your chest. Not only will you feel better, but you will finally be able to move forward and in my Nerd Fitness case I will be able to get some “XP” in the process. If bringing your “Why” to the surface, doesn’t make your eyes well up at least a little, your doing it wrong and you need to go deeper. Find what you are here for Emotionally. It’s the only fuel your engine will take.

Here it goes! Fragdemented, why do you want to lose weight?

It’s not just one thing… It’s Everything! I’m sick and tired of always being sick and tired! I wan’t to know what it’s like to feel like a normal human being! Sure every guy imagines himself as the winner of the strongman competition or the sexy male lead in an action movie that all the women swoon over, but I just want to be normal! Is that so fucking hard to ask?

I’ve had people on multiple occasions suggest lap band surgery or stomach stapling! Why in the hell should I have to cut into my body and artificially modify it?!?! It shouldn’t be this hard to be a normal sized individual. I can’t just live my life and be a normal size, I have to spend several hours of my day exercising, and the way things are looking I will have to continue doing so for the rest of my life. jim carrey tweetThat’s an even better “Why”! Why do some of us need to practically kill ourselves to be healthy and others can spend all day indulging on the sweets of life and never gain a pound?!?!?! I hate it! I hate being Fat!

I want to know what it’s like to have someone admire me for my body. I want to be able to walk into a store and pick out clothes my size no matter where i am. I want to not have to ask the stewardess in an airplane for a seat belt extension. CAN’T THEY JUST BUILD RE-TRACTORS INTO THE SEATS AND MAKE THE BELTS LONGER?!?!?!?! I want have the satisfaction of not worrying if something will hold my weight. I want to be able to zip up my jackets. I want to not have to pull my pants up over a giant belly flab!  I want to eat an ice cream cone and not worry about the calorie intake. I want to eat ALL of  my meals and not worry about the calorie intake!

Skinny people all over the world, you have NO IDEA what it’s like to be stuck in a fat body! You have no idea the pain and agony we put ourselves through emotionally and physically! Can you say that you worked your ass off to lose 57 pounds in two months only to have it fall right back into your body in half the time!? I certainly can, and it’s some of the most crushing emotional pain you will ever experience in your life!

fat guy in a little coat

Why am I here? Why am I constantly torturing myself by changing the way I eat, the food I eat, and the activities I do? Because I want to know what I’m doing wrong! Something is seriously and horribly wrong with the way I live and I don’t know what it is. I’m depressed all the time, I’m lethargic all the time, there are days when I can’t think straight at all, and I don’t know what I can do about it.

I don’t eat much. When I have a meal now, it usually consists of a couple spoonfuls of meat (turkey, beef, chicken), and a mixture of vegetables that I steamed up a bit. I’m drinking water all the time, and I don’t drink coffee anymore. I’ve switched entirely to tea with the one exception of a chai latte from the coffee shop sometimes.

piggy swimming

This is pointless

I am exercising every single day now. I go lap swimming every other day on the weekdays, usually completing anywhere between 36 and 48 Fifty yard laps and 192 pull-ups on the bars at one end of the pool! Doesn’t that sound awesome and healthy?! last year I was able to jog a full 5k! I’m pretty sure I still could, but would it do me any good?

My weight doesn’t want to budge. I still weigh 366lbs! WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??? That’s why I’m here. I have to solve the puzzle. I have to know my body! Only when I figure it all out, will I be able to move on to other important things in my life.

I hope you enjoyed reading my angry weight loss rant. I plan to do more of these in the future. They will mostly be based on the things I’ve learned on my weight loss journey. If you are trying to lose weight, let me know your “Why?” in the comments below! I would love to hear that I’m not alone in my struggle. Feel free to ask questions or let me know any future topics you would like me to write about!

Thank you for your time!

The Peaceful Warrior and Weed

I recently took ill a couple of days ago, and had a chance to catch up with some movies that I had been collecting on my shelf. One of those gems was Peaceful Warrior. If you haven’t had the chance to watch it, I HIGHLY recommend it. It’s a life changer of a movie. An Amazingly Awesome friend introduced it to me during a time in my life when I desperately needed some guidance. It was the first of many steps I took to start really getting what I need out of life. I think it was also the most important of the steps.

Peaceful Warrior Movie Poster

Awesome Movie! Awesome Book!

However, when I watched it this time, I made a connection with a previous topic I have touched on several times in this blog. Specifically the topic of Smoking Pot. Upon watching portions of the movie where “Socrates” is trying to teach Dan that there is never nothing going on, I realized that the way of the Peaceful Warrior and the effects of Marijuana on the mind have an inverse correlation.

In the past, when I have talked about my experiences with Mary Jane, I have mentioned a “shrinking” of the world around me. More specifically it has been a “shrinking” of my awareness. First, I drop all awareness of the universe, Then the rest of the planet leaves all conscious thought, then my country is all that is left, then the state I’m in. Before I know it, the town, the world outside and even for a brief period the rest of the house is all non-existent within my head. All responsibilities and worries tied to those places and the things in them have dropped away. They might as well no longer exist at all. That’s the feeling that kept me drawn to smoking weed. After my “Bad-Trip” I never touched the stuff again, and never will. Curiously though, after watching Peaceful Warrior again, I think this may be a good thing for me.

Spoiler Alert Comical Image

You have been warned!

“There’s never nothing going on… There are no ordinary moments.” – Dan Millman, Peaceful Warrior

{SPOILER ALERT}
In the Movie, the Character Socrates attempts to heighten the awareness of the character Dan. At one point (after a hilarious scene at a bridge) he gives Dan a dose of clarity with some kind of pressure point move. During another point he makes him sit on a Car for hours until he comes to the realization stated above.
{END SPOILERS}

In the Book they have a conversation where Socrates asks him a series of questions starting with “Where are you?” in which Dan answers (among others) “the Universe”. To which Socrates replies “And Where is the Universe?”

I started thinking about the idea that there are no ordinary moments. At every possible moment, somewhere, most likely in several places all over the universe, something AMAZING is happening. Becoming a Peaceful Warrior is about being able to see that thing. If not in person, than at least in your minds eye. There is always something beautiful to behold.

World looming over head

All those problems… are still on your shoulders.

I believe now that Pot dims the light that lets us see those amazing things. It turns the universe into a dark place that you don’t bother thinking about because “out of sight, out of mind”. Then, when it starts to wear off, the light slowly gets brighter showing you all the scary things that have crept up on you in the dark. Had your light not gone out, you could have kept an eye on those things, but now they loom over you like evil ogres in shadows of your mind.

Of course, this is all just my opinion and speculation. I just wanted to talk about the strange connection between a random movie and a drug that will be legalized in Alaska very soon. Like I said before, I don’t mind if anyone wants to go and smoke some weed every now and then. I just won’t be in your smoke circle. And now I have one more reason to say why.

Thank you for your time!

Amateur Brunette Teen does something so Hardcore, your Pussy Ass can’t handle it.

Sorry to disappoint you, I just wanted to see how many hits I could get. You see I read an article on [SPLOID] about the 500 most used tags on Xvideos and I wanted to see if using those few highest tags in a blog post would equal a lot of hits. Maybe it did if you’re here.

So here is your reward:

Two hot chicks kissing halfnaked on a bunch of beer kegs. Man I wish you could see it!

Credit goes to WhyBecauseScience.wordpress.com and whomever they give credit to.

This is, in my opinion, the most badass image you get when typing in “amateur brunette teen hardcore pussy ass” into Google with the SafeSearch Filter on.

I should probably also take this time to do something good with this power. So once your done “doing your thing” please take the time to visit and maybe donate to one of these charities:

ALS Association:
http://www.alsa.org/donate/

The Wounded Warrior Project:
http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/donate.aspx

American Diabetes Association:
http://www.diabetes.org/donate/

Alzheimer’s Association:
http://www.alz.org/join_the_cause_donate.asp

ADD/ADHD: How does anyone SQUIRREL!!!-ing deal with this?!?!

J-D-scrubs-22808844-1024-768

Boy that person has shiny buttons on their shirt!

Let me start this off the right way. I have not been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. There has not been any medical examination to tell me whether or not I have it for sure. However, this has not been without a lack of trying. Without giving away too much information (not that it’s hard to find), I live in a small town in Alaska that is located roughly 100 miles from Anchorage. The medical facilities here leave much to be desired. Almost a year ago I went to my doctor to talk about the fact that I was sure that I have ADD.

[Just a side note: I’m going to refer to ADD/ADHD as ADD especially when refering to myself from here on out. I don’t seem to have the H, but the more I lose weight (I am currently 300+lbs) I feel myself getting more antsy and “hyper”.]

When I went to my doctor and expressed my concerns, he said that he would be glad to help me, but neither he, nor anyone else in the town is properly qualified to diagnose ADD. He contacted the local Mental Health Agency and said they would call within 3 days. I went home and eagerly awaited the call… for five days. I then called the hospital, who referred me to the Mental Health Agency. I called them, and when they couldn’t find me in the system, they took my information and put me on the “list”. Almost a year later and I’m still waiting for that call. And if they do call, my first words to them will be “Well thank goodness I wasn’t suicidally depressed!!!”.

All I wanted out of that doctor visit was to confirm or deny my suspicions. Anybody can tell you they are sick with some condition, but it takes a doctor to make it believable and worthy of action. That’s what I wanted. If I had a doctor confirm to the best of his/her ability that I have ADD, I would like to pursue some help with it.

I have done a lot of “Internet” research on the subject of ADD. Mostly I have been looking through Tips, Tricks, and Hacks to help me with my tendencies. I have come to understand myself a lot better now, and I have found out things about myself that I have never known, but have been witness to the effects and aftermath. After hearing the descriptions and stories from people all over who have been diagnosed, I am 100% positive that I have Attention Deficit Disorder. (However, I would still like a diagnosis.)

One mind looking in all directions for stimulation

One mind looking in all directions for stimulation

So what is it like to have ADD? There is a lot of ignorance on the subject, and we’ve all heard the jokes (Hell, I used the most common one in the title of this post!). I have heard many descriptions from diagnosed individuals, but I feel we can always use one more. Therefore, I would best describe having ADD as being trapped in a mind that is always looking for stimulation. You are always on the lookout for something interesting and entertaining. It’s the simplest explanation I could come up with.

The scientific explanation (so far as we have discovered) says that people with ADD have a lack of Dopamine within their brain. I think this fits with my description of what it’s like to have ADD. Dopamine is the “Feel Good” hormone in our brain. It’s the reward system of our body. Whenever you do something good (eat chocolate, have sex, hug a loved one, etc) dopamine is released in your brain to tell you Hey, you should do that again. Dopamine is also a neurotransmitter which is essential for the function of the brain. Without Neurotransmitters, your neurons can’t transmit and your brain goes dead (this falls into the “Bad Things” category). Now I am not a scientist, (though I have thought about pursuing that field) but I think that if a brain were hurting for dopamine, it would look as long and as hard as possible for stimulation to create dopamine! Therefore, people with ADD tend to drift and have a really hard time doing mundane tasks.

Probably the first real evidence that I have ADD (that I am aware of) happened when I was in middle school. My grades would be great at the beginning of the year and then start to get worse towards the middle of the year. I would come back in to class and my homework would be partially done or not done at all. I would have trouble realizing that an upcoming due date for a project was really happening next week. (terms like the 18th meant nothing to me.) If we had to repeat a lesson because someone didn’t understand, I would get frustrated even though I understood why we had to do it. You might be reading this thinking “well this kid just hated school” or “well you just weren’t being smart” or something etc. etc. Well turns out, that’s what my Parents and Teacher thought as well. However, I would continuously frustrate them because all of my test scores were awesome! That’s basically what it came down to in the end. Bad at homework, great at tests.

This trend continued straight through high school. I would do terrible at finishing my homework, and then ace the tests. Especially Math. Math was the bane of my existence. We would spend all day learning how to do a bunch of math problems, and then they would send me home with 50 more to do. I didn’t like math at all. If I knew how to do the problem I didn’t want to do 50 more of them. I could sometimes choke down the ability to get it done some nights, but it was SO HARD to concentrate on doing math problems when my brain was looking for something, ANYTHING more entertaining to do. And when you are sitting in your bedroom filled with all of your cool stuff and video games… you’re pretty much doomed from the start. I was bored! That’s basically all it came down to. I would love school if the lessons were shorter and we had just moved on when it was learned.

What were we talking about again?

What were we talking about again?

That’s why people who have ADD will talk about how they go off on these little tangents. It’s the Drifting that they talk about, and the source for the “SQUIRREL!” Joke (Besides the movie UP). Basically You can be talking to someone, and they will say a word that will trigger a thought process that you end up following for a while, inside your head until you snap back to reality and realized you have missed almost all of the story of how their workday sucked. The exact same thing goes for reading. You can read a paragraph about something and the word “list” reminds you that you have to go to the grocery store, because part of your ritual for going to the grocery store  involves making a list. Then you imagine yourself going there and getting something like a banana, but all of a sudden you are thinking of your friend Joe and his relationship with Brandina because you saw them the last time you were there buying bananas and they looked like they were a bit tense. Then you start thinking about how your last relationship with your girlfriend/boyfriend went and how things could have worked out had you only been listening to her when she was telling you about how bad her workday was. Eventually you will get back to reading and you’ll have to start back at the last sentence you remember, but you have to take those little trips, because your brain needs the stimulation and it’s the one calling the shots.

That’s why life is hard for a person with ADD. They need the stimulation all the time, and if they aren’t getting it, they’ll sure as hell look for it. Chores become more of a chore than they already are. To normal people this might sound like a slight inconvenience, but to a person with ADD, this can become a source of stress that is nigh impossible to overcome. I hate doing daily chores, but I live alone so I have no choice but to do them. The problem is, when I do something around the house, I have a problem finishing it. I will eat food and then leave my plate wherever I am. I will start a project, then leave a mess. I will watch movies and play games, but not put anything away. Therefore, daily chores become this never ending battle for my own house.

And that’s just one aspect of my day!

Here is one of my days in a nutshell, in fact, this is probably exactly how tomorrow will go:
I will wake up. Spend my morning rushing around getting ready for work. Work 8 to Noon. Go home for Lunch. Work 1 to 5. Come home and eat something light. Go pickup my buddy for swimming. Swim at Open Swim from 6:30 to 8. go home and eat dinner. Waste time online until I go to bed at 11ish. The next day will go exactly the same minus the swimming. I have been trying to replace it with some other exercise routine.

I try to fit as much entertainment into those 5-6:30 and 8-11ish time slots that I can in order to keep sane. Chores are the last things on my mind during the week. But you have to do them, so I fit them in wherever I can. Mostly this occurs on the weekends. I have found a few ways of making chores easier. The two most effective ways are listening to Audiobooks or stand up comedians while I work. Then there is also doing the chores in small blocks of time sandwiched by periods of rest. (http://www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/ is a great resource for that).

Just keep Swimming, Just keep swimming!

Just keep Swimming, Just keep swimming!

My point is (I think) How is anyone supposed to live with their brain being wired abnormally? I can think of many other conditions that would be worse having, but how is anyone supposed to live with it? My only answer to myself has been one step at a time, one problem at a time. “Just Keep Swimming” as Dory from Finding Nemo would say.

Do you have ADD/ADHD? Hearing my story, do you think I have ADD/ADHD? What signs did you have? Did you notice it before others did? What knowledge can you pass on to me or anyone else who may be reading? please leave a comment down below!

Thank you for your time!

You had a bad trip… On Weed?!?!?!?

a picture of weed in red

weed by Saiberis

I’ve decided to do a follow-up post about my experiences with weed. I am doing this because, out of all the posts on this blog, I have gotten the most views and comments from this post alone by far! It seems the Marijuana community has caught sight of my post and found it interesting. Thank you all for reading and commenting! Some comments agree while others disagree about my words. I don’t mind either way. That was my interpretation of what happens to me as I can remember it. Everyone has their own experience and sometimes it’s completely different.

I am also writing this, because I have quit smoking Mary Jane and have set my sights far away from mind altering substances. And while I would like to try throwing some pot in my juicer to see how it tastes and what health benefits I’ll get, I am pretty much staying as far away from it as I can. Why don’t you smoke [any more]? is a question I’m asked all the time, and all the time I get the same response “WHAT?!?!” I don’t smoke weed anymore because I had a bad trip.

It was a good couple years back…

I went to a friends house to hang out and talk with my usual gathering of buddies. It seemed like I was over there just about every day. I didn’t always smoke when I went over there, just because I didn’t feel like getting high all the time. I was also reaching a point in my drug journey where I only liked the experience for the first couple hours, after which I wanted it to end and everything to return to normal. I liked being able to think clearly.

Tonight wasn’t a very abnormal night. It just happened to be one of those nights where we decided to get high and watch a movie. If I would have known what was going to happen next I would have never gotten high and probably had left immediately. I regret this night every time I think of it.

We passed around a bong and my host friend decided to turn on a movie they just rented… Saw VI… Now I am a fan of most movies. I like horror, action, comedy, romantic comedy, I’ll even watch the real romantic mushy stuff. Just about the only exception to the list is period pieces. I have nothing against horror flicks, except I think many of them have lost their original scary soul. However, that is a different topic. I sat down and watched the movie with everyone else.

I don’t really remember much of the movie details. Once you get my group high and in front of a TV we start making fun of what’s on the screen and conversing and laughing. After the initial high wore off and the giggling died down all eyes finally settled on the TV and we watched in silence.

I remember the scene when it happened pretty vividly. The main guy walked in a room and found all of his interns strapped to a revolving circle of chairs in a bulletproof glass chamber. (This part is hard to write) The main guy had to hit a button to choose which of the people he knew would live. the people who were chosen for death would be rotated to face a shotgun and… you can guess or have probably seen the rest.

a picture of "The Carousel" from Saw 6

The Carousel

My moment came after the final decision. He chose to save one person over another in a very dramatic moment. The person he sentenced to death began yelling and cursing and berating him for his choice as his chair slowly rotated towards the shotgun. In the last instance he shouted the words “NO! YOU LOOK ME IN THE FACE WHILE YOU KILL ME!!!” The main guy looked up. The man in the chair saw his eyes and looked down in horror as the chair came to a stop and… BLAM!

That was the moment in happened…

My mind locked on those moments and they began to play over and over in my head. I began to think about what the man in the chair had going through his mind in those last moments and even during. I began to imagine myself in his place. The adrenaline started to flow. Then I began thinking about all of the other death scenes in the movie that I had seen. I put myself in their place. It expanded from there. Every horror movie I had ever seen. Any movie or TV show depicting death or even harm. Adrenaline was pumping through my body at this point and I was no longer paying attention to the movie. Death flew through my mind without any sign of stopping leaving fear growing in his wake.

My mind tried to rationalize these feelings, but ultimately it only made things worse. I began to ask why I was freaking out. Why was I scared. Finally my brain came up with an answer:

“Someday you are going to die and there is nothing you can do to stop it. It will probably be terrifying and it will probably be painful and it could be as soon as any moment now.”

I had focused on my own mortality. Now, as you know, when you are high all the outer world drops away and your world gets smaller. One train of thought runs through your mind at any given time. Well, my world was extremely small and My own death was the only train I could think about. I would have given anything to think of something else.

My mind just took it from there and began to make up horrid possible ways that I could die and played them for me over and over. I was like that the rest of the night. I had to excuse myself from my friends house and leave. Eventually I ended up rocking myself to sleep in my bed at home.

After that night I suffered nightmares and a lingering fear of my immanent death. I have not been able to watch horror movies since. Only after many many many demands by my friends, I got high one last time, only to have the entire cycle start over again. Now I am afraid of taking any mind altering drug for fear that it might have the same effect.

It’s been a good couple years now and I have lost that lingering fear, though it doesn’t take much thought to surge my adrenal gland. I have faced my mortality in minor ways several times since that night and I think I’m going to be fine. However, now whenever I am asked if I want to smoke I politely decline and give an explanation if needed. I still have nothing against anyone who smokes. I just choose not to any more.

The Nightmare Before April 20th

Sing along with this:

What’s this? What’s this?
There’s colors in the air
What’s this?
There’s white lines everywhere
What’s this?
I can’t believe my eyes
I must be tripping
Wake up, jack, this isn’t fair
What’s this?

What’s this? What’s this?
There’s something very wrong
What’s this?
There are people smoking bongs

What’s this?
The streets are lined with
Little creatures laughing
Everybody seems so happy
Have I possibly gone daffy?
What is this?
What’s this?

There are women popping little pills
and freely giving head
the boys are taking LSD
Oh yes that’s what I said

crack makes up every window
Oh, I can’t believe my eyes
And in my bones I feel that I
am absolutely fried

Oh, look
What’s this?
They’re snorting lines of blow, they twitch
they slobber and they tweek, inspired
Their enjoyment is in a category
of which I’m starting to desire
What’s this?
What’s this?

In here they’ve got a little tree, how queer
The leaves have seven points I see
And why?

They’re dumping LSD in streams
They’ve got gumballs of extasy
And there’s a smile on everyone
So, now, correct me if I’m wrong
This looks like fun
This looks like fun
Oh, could it be I got my wish?
What’s this?

Oh my, what now?
The children are asleep
But look, little needles in their feet
The tools, I wonder if I could learn to use them
Or infuse them, to feed my high
and finally catch that dragon.
What’s this?

My Braincells are all missing
And my thoughts are real profound
And in their place there seems to be
Good feeling all around

Instead of through my eyes
I can hear colors in the air
The smell marijuana pies
Is absolutely everywhere

The sights, the sounds
They’re everywhere and all around
I’ve never felt so good before
This empty place inside of me is filling up
I simply cannot get enough

I want it, oh, I want it
Oh, I want it for my own
please give me more
I’ve got to know
What is this place that I have found?
What is this?
Drug Town, hmm…

==============================================

Inspired By “What’s This?” from the movie “The Nightmare Before Christmas”

America, I Want You!… Back.

Uncle_Sam_by_br00klynzzfinest

Uncle_Sam_by_br00klynzzfinest

What happened to the spirit of America and good old-fashioned propaganda?

As just about any other growing child, I spent most of my childhood learning about the world I lived in. I learned about the history of my home in Alaska, the Iditarod, the gold rush, the pipeline, the Exxon oil spill. Most importantly though I learned about history in the United states. I learned about the unity this great country had back in the day. I learned that when there was a problem, all of the people in our great nation would get together and fix it. Germany is taking over the world you say? Nazis are BAD, spread the word! Japan Bombed our beautiful Hawaii? Scientists, we need some bigger bombs! The war effort needs soldiers? Men, We need volunteers! The War effort needs steel? Corporations, use something else for now please! The US Needs Jobs? Businesses, Expand!

Just about every problem that the US has faced in the past has been done so by banding the people in the country together with notions of teamwork and unity. I remember hearing tales of American propaganda and thinking “Wow! It was un-American to not like Babe Ruth!” In fact, it was un-American not to like anything American What?! You don’t like Baseball? COMMUNIST!!!

These days you don’t see that commitment to the country. These days we are too afraid of the word “God” to say the damn pledge of allegiance These days we are too worried about the president’s personal life that we forget that he was put in to office BY US to run this country. We also forget that it is a big job and we have to help him. If the president doesn’t hear our voice he cant pick what is in our best interest. These days we are too busy complaining about the people in our political office and the choices they make to realize that WE PUT THEM THERE! These days people have forgotten that America was established as a sanctuary for people who felt oppressed by their old country and wanted to live free to state their minds, worship the god they want, defend themselves if necessary, choose who would make the big decisions, and to be treated fairly regardless of what they looked like or how much money they had. These days people are actually more worried about the color of the people and not the color of their ideas.

Needless to say, I want this to change and I think that it is un-American not to want it. I want to see good old-fashioned American propaganda posted on the walls at random. I want to hear that if you don’t like American football than you are not a true American I want to hear kids shout out to the news that they want to grow up to be the president! I want to see Basketball players who tell the cameras “America, that half-court shot was for you!” I want it to be un-American to be fat (even though I am overweight myself) I want it to be patriotic to be healthy. I want it to be patriotic to help others and I want it to be patriotic to hold a job. I want to see the red white and blue blooded Americans again.

I want the rest of the world to see that We are not just a country of overspending capitalists. I want them to see that we are a team. I want them to realize that if they mess with one part of us, they mess with all of us.

Tribute_in_Lights_by_galactica1actual

Tribute_in_Lights_by_galactica1actual

Does anyone doubt that we need this? Really? I can prove it to you that we need it more than ever. It has been over 9 years since the World Trade Center Towers Fell. When that happened we started strong and then fell short. I remember when there were talks about what we were going to with Ground zero. I remember when someone came on the news and said “Don’t worry America The Terrorist want to cause terror and we are not going to let that happen. We are going throw this back in their faces. We are going build something on ground zero that will make those terrorists have to refund every virgin they think they are getting. We are going to make them doubt their beliefs with our new New York skyline!” I remember seeing lots of professional designs for new buildings that would replace the Towers. Every one of them was designed by a patriot who put his heart and soul and grief in to making a testament to the people who lost their lives in that building. What happened to all those designs? I remember a plan to put two giant spotlights on the sights of the towers for placeholders so that two towers of light would pierce the nighttime New York City Skyline. Are those lights even there? I remember the coolest building design that they had was one that combined the two towers in to one and it rose to 1776 feet in the air. I thought “Awesome. A building who’s height represents the year we became a country. That will show those damn Terrorists!” Where did that building go? Then I heard of a museum that would not only feature artifacts from the Towers, but it would also be made partially from the remains at ground zero. I thought “Okay, that would be kind of cool. A Tribute to the people who died and a building on the site. That would work even though it’s not as grand as I was hoping.” Then I heard about that Church that they wanted to put in and I was embarrassed Really? You want to put a church there that houses the same religion as the people who cleared the space to begin with? That is like a bully punching you in the arm for you hand over your lunch so you have your mom put better food in there in case he doesn’t prefer tuna. The last idea I heard was a total “just put something there” move. Two community pools! That’s it! That’s all! Those who lost their lives deserve better.

If funding is the issue than we should be EASILY able to over come that! How? With good old-fashioned patriotism! Send a message out to everybody “Donate to the cause! And tell a friend to donate too!” Have companies put an extra blurb in their commercials or theme them to the cause! Put an option in my car insurance to donate a dollar a month to the new World Trade Center Project! Put those coin tins at the end of grocery store checkout counters! Take a Million out of that $380 Million Dollar Lottery and send it to the cause. We won’t miss it. Make Porn cause an extra cent a minute! I don’t care what we do! Let’s just do it. That Gaping hole in New York is making the terrorists more confident that what they do is effective.

Lets stop worrying about our privacy being violated by airport security that we asked for and start worrying about the state of our country’s unity. Stand up for your country! Love the place you live in! Love what it stands for and for your country’s sake, SHOW IT!!!

What does it feel like to smoke weed? – UPDATED x2!

Marijuana_by_SublimeBudd

Marijuana_by_SublimeBudd

Recently I was on Yahoo Answers and I came across this question. The answer I gave was an extremely fun trip down into my memories. I thought I should share it with you all.


Smoking weed is the BEST drug out there for the fact that it does the least harm to you and you can’t really overdose on it.

The first thing you feel is the burn in your lungs as you inhale the smoke. Now bare with me here, because I have smoked way too many times and I paid Very close attention to what it was doing to me. It made the high feel a lot more trippy and fun.

If you pay close attention you can feel the THC in your blood veins traveling around and making you tingle all over your body. I imagined that it was like millions of spiky crystals bouncing off the walls of my blood veins and triggering my nerves. Eventually that feeling fades into numbness due to the fact that your brain is getting too many signals too fast.

At that point your world starts to shrink. Everything outside of the building you are sitting in drops away from your thoughts. Your world now consists of the house you are sitting in. As you ponder this It is only you and the house. Time has dropped away from your thoughts at this point and you are no longer concerned with schedules (this is why it’s so relaxing to take it). I suspect at that point you are among friends in a smoking circle so you realize that there are others in the room and they are talking. You spend the next while trying to keep up with the conversation which you are doing very well in your head because it is pretty much the only thing on your mind at this point. By now, the rest of the house drops away and its just you, your friends and the room you are sitting in.

If you were alone your head would go into kind of an autopilot, You would find a task to occupy your time and you would probably lose yourself in it. You would be surprised how much you can get done when you are high if your brain focuses on the right task. I think that is why people like to get high at dead end jobs. one of the side effects is that it makes you not care whether what you are doing is boring or not, you just know that you need to do it and that’s OK.

Now let’s go through a list of the senses

Sight:
You know how, when you look left and then right with your eyes, you sight just instantly shifts to it’s next destination without focusing on anything in the middle? Well When you are high Your brain tends to notice the full motion of that movement. You may not notice it, but that is what makes you kinda dizzy feeling.

Smell:
Forget this sense unless it is a strong smell. Most of what you will be smelling is the weed you just inhaled. That’s what gives you paranoia about getting caught high. You smell weed everywhere even if no one else can. If you do smell something it will definitely catch your attention though, because now your brain will focus on anything in an instant.

Taste:
Oh Wow! Taste takes on a whole new meaning when your are high. It moves right in with touch. When somebody mentions food it seems to be all your brain can think about. Since your whole body feels numb, your stomach has pretty much lost the feeling of being full, so now your brain is telling you “I need to eat”. The Greatest foods to eat when you are high are anything Crunchy and sweet! Smores are to DIE for. Oreo’s, and popcorn and cereal and chips and crackers and ice-cream. Oh MY!!!! Be forewarned! When you do finally feel full it will not be a pleasant feeling.

Touch:
Not much going on here unless you couple it with taste. You feel the full weight of your body and how your muscles have to work to keep you from being a big pile of mush. So what do you do? You do your best to act like a big pile of mush. It is a very good muscle relaxer.

Hear:
Not much to Say hear either. You don’t pay very much attention to what you are hearing when you are high. However when you do start listening you will wish that you could be in complete silence for once in your life.

In Closing, weed is a very fun drug to try out, but it does come with consequences. You can’t think as clearly when you are on weed and the detox period is not very fun either if you have been regularly smoking. The DTs seem to take the form of depression and anger. You just have to bare with it and let the clouds part by themselves. I noticed that after smoking a lot, I have developed a studder that I didn’t have before and my memory isn’t what it used to be. Keep in mind though I used to drink a lot as well. I don’t any more. And I only recommend mixing smoking and drinking as a one-time-thing. It is a little more dangerous.

I hope you liked this. It is the most I have ever typed in Yahoo answers.

—UPDATE—

Here is a video from ASAP Science on Youtube that explains the science of Weed.

—UPDATE 2—

Hey, if you like this article you might like this one as well!

http://brainfroze.wordpress.com/2011/01/24/the-nightmare-before-april-20th/